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Friday, July 28, 2000 Volume 9. Issue 7

Just the Right Amount of Evil
Packwood, IA - In a town with no beer and Christian karoke, there was a possibility of no fun. That was until Martini Rick ran into Evil Matt and joined the quest to find the Millennium Falcon. Mission completed, beers were opened and the boys were treated to WT-in training child showing them his snapper. Realizing that this might be the only chance for food that day, you can't trust that map, Rick and Evil Dave went into the heart of holy city in quest for nourishment. The locals scattered as the long hair and the one endorsing evil walked into their midst. The gave them food in hopes that they would eat and leave quickly. They did, but not before talking loudly about taboo subjects like booze and sex with people to whom you aren't married. The road out of town contained more gravel, of course, but Evil Matt got to hear "Whirley Girl," a song he hadn't heard since he was in high school. Evil Matt even attempted, and successfully completed, the highly difficult sticker the back of the moving bike. The residents of Packwood were obviously relieved when the black forces of Martini and Evil left their little slice of heaven.
The Return to Beer Free Beer and Corn
It took over 60% of the day's ride to find it, but a town that sold beer finally appeared. The relieved riders exited the gravel and entered Richland. They were greeted with cold cans of hops and barley. The Martini trio of Heidi, Steve and Rick knocked back a can or four before heading out to the next town. As was the theme of the day, the next town wasn't one, but it was a mammoth party. Tallyrand, the town that was a tavern, cleared out a field, but left the manure (at least the smell). The Martinis were joyfully reunited with VW Bug driving Martini Laurie. A record 5-mile Talkabout broadcast made this reunion possible. Her oh-so-cute bug was full of clean clothes and more cold beer. The group hung out with the good people of Evil, Fat Tom's Army, Mystery Machine and that English woman who loved showing everyone her tits. It was reported that Fat Tom had a major hard-on for the lady from across the pond. Soon the sun and the smell got the most of the crowd and it was time to finish up the ride. At a house, just outside of Dublin, Iowa (a town that was just a general store), Martini's Steve, Rick and Heidi, along with Mystery Machine Todd, were lured off the route, by riders much like themselves into an afternoon of freewill donation corn, beer and long sentences full of commas. The corn bar was set early as Steve shoved four ears into his piehole (not his cornhole as it was a family farm). After sufficiently stuffing themselves with corn and beer, the four remounted their bikes and finished off the shortest ride of the week. Finding Mothership Laurie and Washington shouldn't be too difficult. The four believe that Washington should be the friendliest of all towns encountered that day.
Today's Naughty Bits and Pieces RAGBRAI Taints Town
  • In Richland you can play "Sticker the Mayor"
  • In Richland beer is plentiful and water is scarce
  • Richland seems to have it's shit in gear
  • Rick really enjoyed the creme de la creme of Les Entringer's beer stash - Heilman's Classic Draft
  • Evil was quite low most of the day
  • The Subway in Washington has a roll of toilet paper that would suit sasquatch's ass
  • The Indian food in Washington was possibly the best food offered by locals this week
  • The second helping of Indian food was a good as the first
  • Camping next to Pump for second night in a row...could be a pattern for the Martinis
  • Locals start to worry when bikers put up their tents close to their yards at 11:00 at night
  • Why was Team Bad Boy encircling that less than hot LT in the beer garden? Are they turning into Team Hard Up?
  • Get you dinner of snacks at the local Jerk and Squirt
  • Live bands attract very scary LT
  • Teenybopper parties can keep you up all night
  • Especially if your tentmate knows all the lyrics (like Steve)
  • Discussing out loud RAGBRAI infidelities late at night is not a good way to end the day
Washington, IA - Something happened to the friendly folks of this town when the bikers arrived. Within hours, the townspeople started shunning riders, acting like whores in beer gardens and even passing out standing up (see picture). The debauchery even caused local bars to make last call a half-hour earlier than normal. Showers posted as "Open until 11:00 p.m." were also closed as early as 9:30. Teamartini riders Rick, Heidi and Steve lucked out and got to the high school just before they could bolt the doors. "Our host house may not have panned out, but this is almost better," Heidi told our reporter. "We're close to town and there is always a piece of curb that we can camp on."