It's about 5:00a and Rick's waking up. Why? He can't find the off button on his alarm clock. Why was it set in the first place? Even if the constant ringing of the clock didn't wake him up the constant slamming of the kybo doors would do the trick. At this time in the morning you should be in your sleeping bag, not in your biking shorts. And for the love of Jeebus, take off those helmets. You're not going to have an accident in the shitter. Well, if you can't fall back asleep because it's only few degrees above freezing and you only brought a magic sheet, then the next best thing is to go into town and get a coffee. Why is it that in the middle of summer the heater in the van is needed. Steve and Chris decided to join Rick in the warmness of the van. Obviously the girls packed Arctic sleepware. Everyone is up and about, but that damn Ho House won't go down. It won't go down and the Die Hard under the truck won't get up. The other Die Hard duo will. "We might make it out of town by 9:30." With the alternate map in hand, there's no reason not to get another hour of shut-eye. The first time since 2001, a full TeaMartini team hits the road. The first music selection from the new bike stereo: R.E.M.

Turin, Castana, Mapleton

In true Register fashion, the first town isn't one. In true Heidi fashion, she's ready to pie. If only the line was longer. So many bowels, so few kybos. Angry Tracy wiles away the time with little sticks of heaven. She's also being a noodaloo. Was their a new edict requiring the wearing of helmets at all times this year? For some odd reason there's a cucumber in Rick's stereo cart. Better bungie it down so it has a safe trip. There are some more Angrys over in that other line. What's all this standing around shit? We need to get back on the road and meet up with Barb. She's probably bored stiff. A mile or so outside of Mapleton we find our discontented driver running. We bike, she runs. Now all that is needed is a swimmer and we become Team Iron Man. We could go into town, but with those coolers full of snooty beer and EAS product, why bother. And we're close to the fire station with no wait lines for the bathroom. Yet another Laurie lie (isn't that a Styx song?). The plan is to leave town on Highway 175 and follow the river. Rivers so totally hate hills.

The Alternate Route - Danbury, Battle Creek, Ida Grove, Arthur, Odebolt

Who knows what evil lies on an alternate route? Team Evil lies at the start of the alternate route. Let the boys know about the river path, but they choose hills over plains. They are in danger of winning the ride this year. The road out is nice and flat. Getting into Danbury we see only a few bikes and an unfinished bar - Hamilton's Pub. As it turns out, one of the owners is Timmy Krajicek's sister. (For those not from the South Omaha area, that would be the owner of Darby's Bar...just ask Rick for the significance of this.) She not only grew close to where Rick lives, but now lives close to Steve. Since there's no liquor license, they can't see us beer. That's why they were all sitting on a table waiting to be taken. Feel free to contribute to the "Betterment of the Bathroom Fund." We'll just stick around for one or two. How about giving the owners a CD so they have some good tunes? Just have one or two more beers. The owners would really look good in some TeaMartini shirts. Hey, that one has some piercings. Only one or tow more and then we have to hit the road. Are those some Die Hards showing up? Aaron probably hasn't showered in days, but still looks fresh as a daisy. The bar is in need of music as it's starting to fill up. Time to move Rick's bike inside. He gets an offer from some hot thing: play Pussy by Lords of Acid and get low with her. Pussy is free. Okay, only one or two more. Is there a restaurant open in this town? After way too many beers we head off in search of food in Battle Creek. There is no food in Battle Creek. There is a Foodtown. They have food, but only during business hours. And those aren't on Sunday. How about that Bar and Grill? Nope? Damn! It looks like Little Debbie will be filling everybody up. Just don't eat too many or bad things will happen. This town could have made a good chunk of change if they would have had at least one eatery open. We'll just have to settle for a cold one on the street and go. Ida Grove is a big town, they'll have a steak house. Or maybe a Pizza Hut on the lake. Time to turn on the charm and see if we can get a hook-up in Lake View. While Todd is not the mayor, he and Christy know someone in the overnight town. It always pays to be nice and non-threatening. Babs will go on ahead and get us all set up. There are only two really small towns left. Must have blinked and missed Arthur. Maybe there is something in Odebolt. Just Jonetta Law pushing us along. How about a nice rest at that gas station on the edge of town. Steve and Heidi pass, but Laurie, Chris and Rick want one last nap before heading in. And if they hammer now then they'll get in before sundown. That can't be good. Hang with the Bad Monkeys for a little while until whitey suppression makes us move our sorry asses along. For the record, Jonetta Law was very nice.

Lake View - The Day's End

By the time the final trio made it to Lake View it was dark. Mission accomplished brave souls. They find there possible hosts but they're not being to receptive. Sure you can camp there, but you can't use the facilities. Urgh! Better go find Babs and see what the plan is. She echoes what we were told by Dick and Kathy (the non-hosts). What about this house here on the corner. Time for Barb and Heidi to use their Ho powers. Jackpot! We don't care if it's not large and luxurious, as long as it has hot water. Steve, watch your head. Laurie and Heidi decide not to put up the Ho House (as Heidi has reached her Ho limit for the day). The van is made for sleeping...as long as you're Oompa Loompa size. It's gonna be a cold night so Kenneth puts out some spare blankets. Rick eagerly takes one. A heavy one. Thoughts of going into town melt away and thoughts of going into tent (or van) materialize.